- Posted by drodriguez
- On February 11, 2019
Is it just me, or is today bittersweet? I find myself experiencing possibility and hope as equally as I do sadness and fear. Admittedly, I feel like I keep trying to “shake off” the grief and step into creativity and laughter. “It’s the last day of the year,” I think, “How’re you moping right now?” Yet my heart keeps settling back into this weird space of real gratitude and real loss. And a part of me keeps trying to wrong me for feeling this way. Nothing I haven’t heard before, no. I can recognize Shame when she comes through: “I wonder how so-and-so is spending today. I’m sure s/he’s surrounded by company and laughter.” #YayComparisonSyndrome
As much as I’d love to write about how inspired and playful I am in the woods, that’s not true tonight. Tonight, I am sad and a little anxious and hesitant. It’s like my head keeps trying to pull me forward (“There’s no point to feeling this way…again. Not now, girl, geesh!) and my heart keeps asking to be allowed to feel and grieve (“This is what it takes to heal, beloved. Feeling is what clears the space for you to create the new.”)
So tonight I think I’ll do a little bit of laughing and a little bit of crying. I am learning that I can be incredibly grateful for the lessons and also be incredibly hurt by those same experiences. So I’m mourning Bodhi tonight, and I’m mourning my past lovers that had become such dear friends, and I’m mourning my old home, and I’m mourning the memories and the people that will never, ever, ever be the same again. And as I feel, I’m trying my best to be kind with myself (insert foot soak and poetry writing sesh here). But it wasn’t until one of my dearest friends, Adrianna, sent me a text sharing her own heartache today that I felt at ease about sharing mine. The moment I read her text, her vulnerability relieved me. I felt supported, I felt connected, I felt understood – no longer so alone in my emotions, no longer so “wrong” for not being jolly asf on New Years Eve. So…hmm, in this moment, I am grateful for sadness. I’m grateful because it’s the emotion that has people actively show up for me, and me for them. Sadness has the gift of connecting us, if I let it. So I’m sharing this with YOU in case you’re feeling a little gloomy too. It’s okay not to be okay, and you’re certainly not alone.
Today it was sadness that called me up…I’m grateful Adrianna leaned on me today, because it invited me to lean back. I could relate to her sorrow and therefore no longer felt so alone. So here is to a new year where we lean on each other and drop the BS, a year where we let ourselves BE VULNERABLE and really connect, a year where we surround ourselves with people that hold us high even when we’re messy (especially when we’re messy), here’s to a year of getting uncomfortable and stepping out, out, OUT of our comfort zone, here’s to a year of healing and expansion and growth. #HappyNewYear, lovely. You are loved exactly as you are, wherever you are. And you’re not alone. Reach. Out. Let us love ya if you’re down. That’s a sacred place to be, too. And I’m right there with ya. I think many of us are there tonight, and it’s okay. We’re bringing the new year in being true to our hearts, and that’s a powerful place to stand.
-You are the Message,